This year has been a tumultuous one for me. I have thus become changed forever as I live in my new reality. Its funny the little things we take for granted like breathing, basic bodily functions, and having good health. The human body is one that is amazing yet remains a mystery. All that the physicians think they know about it they really don't. Its unexplainable how a person's heart can stop three times yet they come back. It's unexplainable how you can be up walking and talking one day and expired the next. I have true meaning of here today and gone tomorrow. My relationships, personal and friendships have changed. My family has changed. My child has changed. My life has changed. My vision has changed. My goals have changed. Growth comes when you realize what works for you vs. what doesn't work for you. Change comes when you recognize your "other self". She lies dormant and when you least expect it your life is shattered into a million little pieces. Thus your other self emerges. When I heard this term used I didn't understand it. When I discovered my creative abilities and what hid dormant in my life for 34 years I didn't know where it came from. I didn't understand how I could pour years of pain and abuse onto one piece of paper. My other self birthed my poetry! As I wrote it was an unconscious spirit that led my pen. It was as if God started feeding me the words out of nowhere. I knew I was in pain but I didn't understand the words. They had meaning to me, they had meaning to those that wronged me. They had meaning. I wrote and I wrote until my fingers hurt. I couldn't stop the tears as they poured down and the ink bled. My heart bled as I wrote. Thirty-four years of every emotion imaginable. I was left depleted and my womb was wounded. I needed to be put back together again like the straw man in the Wiz. As I wrote I healed.
Reflecting on the birth of my prince was at a time when I was spiritually at my high. Something about the age of 25! You think you know it all you think you have lived but you haven't. There is so much to learn do and be. You aren't untouchable! My son came in a time when I was aligned with the holy spirit and I was 25. But I still didn't know who I was? I knew I was someones woman, someones child, someones friend, someones emotional whipping girl but I didn't know who I was or what I wanted? I thought I had knowledge of self but it was the knowledge of my "other self" that led me to the waters I drink from now.
There comes a time in every woman's life when she must she must face her other self. She must know who she is what she represents and what gifts she brings to the world. There is a time to stop loving everyone and love yourself. There is a time to spiritually connect with your creator and know you are just a physical vessel used by your spiritual parents to do your assigned work here. You must understand what you struggle with is what keeps your heart beating! It gives your life meaning to be better at whatever you are doing. It gave me the strength to keep moving when I wanted to stop living. There is no pain that the Creator gives you that you cannot handle. Things happen exactly as they are supposed to happen in life at their assigned time. Whether good or not so good. They are the experiences that are teachers. We have to learn the lesson in each relationship, each heartache and each happy moment. There is always a lesson.
In the last two years I have lost the matriarch of my family my grandmother, the patriarch of my family my father, and my brother in law that was my brother. My grandmother taught me independence, my father taught me love, my brother taught me patience. My mom is still alive and she taught me forgiveness. These are all necessary teachings in life.
I have seen the human body deteriorate to nothing through sickness. Watching a loved one die is one of the most devastating things in life. You have no control and in that moment you see who is really in control of all things. The Creator is in control of us all and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. What I realize is that my loved ones are now in a new reality, a new place as I am. They are living their spiritual lives that live on long far after everyone here has passed. Their work was complete. If you have lost someone you love you have to grieve them. The process and the time it takes no one can tell you. No one can tell you when to stop or enough is enough. No one can tell you to let them go. Take your time to grieve cry those tears and cleanse your soul. Talk to your loved ones and let them live in your heart until your day comes. I read a great book this year "
Peace from Broken Pieces" by Iyanla Vanzant. She reflects on her life and loss of her daughter. It was a book that led me to think a little differently. There comes a time in your life when things do fall apart. You just have to have the strength to put them back together again.
I have also learned to ask for what I want. No one can read your mind. In relationships tell your partner what you like what you want. Tell them what you don't like. Be forthcoming with what pleases you. Don't be ashamed of wanting to be pleasured or satisfied. It is your body and only you know what you like. Know when a relationship has run its course. Know that you cannot change a person and you have to accept them with no preconceived notions.
That is true love. You can love someone with all your being and know that they are not good for you. You can also realize who is good for you and the meaning they bring into your life. The law of attraction is real and you only draw to you what you are. Desperation, anger and loneliness only bring you more of the same. As your parents accept you unconditionally that is the type of love you have to have for your partner or you will never be satisfied. True love is unconditional love. People say love is pain, but someone once told me love isn't supposed to hurt. You can't measure love by how hurt you are. Recognize the good that people bring into your life and be grateful for the blessings that you have.
As I started this story saying my year has been tumultuous. It has also been filled with many blessings. Knowing a family that I haven't known for all of my life I now know and have a relationship with. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I know a real friend is someone that is there for you when you are at your worst. A real partner is there for you with no questions they are just there. I have taken my writing to new levels and continue to use all of my creativity that was birthed out of my "other self" to inspire all that I come across. I am still a work in progress. I have breath, I have my mind, my heart isn't hardened , I have life and love in my heart. I have an uncontrollable passion to do the work that I am assigned to do. Sometimes the object of the journey is not the end but the journey itself.
This is me and I hope you have taken a few gems from my story. Also check my website to get some great poetry
http://www.chantegraham.com/ and leave your feedback. My novels, plays, and movies are forthcoming! Thanks for taking time to read this!
Until next time I wish you peace, love, health, and abundance! Happy New Year!
